So you say I'm being melodramatic? Also, I'm not dead

I maybe should have posted this earlier to wane some of the concern from my multitude of followers (hi you 10!-oooh eleven, looks like somebody just hit the big time!). Luckily no one put out a missing person on me and the world seems to have kept on turning. I appreciate you being strong during your time of possible grieving.

I know some of my dear friends were concerned for my life following my last post.  Some people may say my post about the Tough Mudder was a bit dramatic. Those same people may also say I'm dramatic about other things in my life. And to those people...I would say you're absolutely 100% correct.  I say drama is funny and it lets me vent. Plus if I don't die, you also get the enjoyment of watching me freak out. It's a win-win. On the other hand, if I do die, at least I went out with a bang! (And I gave you a heads up).

On a side note, I didn't die in Tough Mudder. In fact, I had a pretty good time and some might say...I dominated it. And by dominating, I mean finishing. I was a bit taken aback when I saw my pictures from Tough Mudder and I realized I was smiling in all of them. I was seriously unaware my face was doing that and it makes me question....everything.

Here is some proof. 'Cause you know I don't lie.

This was me getting out of a freezing cold carcinogenic ice bath. It was blue.

10,000 volts of electricity were in some of the wires; I was shocked. What is wrong with me? Masochist? Probably.

I am doing a 10-mile run that thousands of other people are doing and aren't complaining about? That would be correct.

I'm flying on a plane for a 2 hour flight which an average of TWO MILLION people do DAILY seemingly without handing out living wills to everyone they meet and I'm writing my gravestone? Correct.

This is how my week before a trip looks:
Monday: Lunch with friend-let them know they can have my tv and tv stand if I die. Friend says tv and tv stand suck. I say I hate you and you're no longer invited to my funeral (side note: tv and tv stand are in fact crap).
Tuesday: Do laundry and attempt to frantically clean because when my parents and the local TV crew come to collect my stuff, I don't want all my embarrassing stuff out.
Wednesday: Send out emails to everyone telling them how much they have meant to me and how much I love them. Drink many glasses of wine.
Thursday: Attempt to drink myself into oblivion so that I won't be conscious (or at least be hungover) when the time comes. "Oh thank God I'm plummeting to my death, finally this headache will end."
Friday: Frantically tweet, facebook update, and document the remaining moments of my life. In case I die, I want my last words on earth to be: "Look at me holding this lobster pen!" In your face Caesar.

...2 hour flight later we land safely. What? I wasn't even worried. *Rescind emotional emails.*

I am impressed with people who can do what I would call "normal/everyday" things and not act like the world is going to end. One, it's probably less burdensome to those around them, and two, they probably have lower blood pressure.

Here is an allegedly true story from my recent flight home (I was technicaly there but don't remember it so I can neither confirm nor deny these clearly fabricated facts).

I may have had a "mixed cocktail" to help ease the anxiety. Side note: there are a lot of slang words for cocaine. I mean a lot. I was trying to find the word that means you mix alcohol and prescription drugs, Recipe? I did have a legit prescription. Oh this is getting bad. Don't try this at home kids. I'm probably getting on a lot of federal governments lists due to my research for this post. But I know how my readers rely on my due diligence.

Back to the plane ride. If you've seen Bridesmaids when Kristin Wiig gets a little loosey on the plane, I guess I was like that. Apparently I was being too "loud and obnoxious" for my travel buddy. Let's give me a generic everyday alias like "Bob". Are you going to tell me trying to clamp someone's nipples with a lobster pen is obnoxious? I don't think so. That's pure comedy.

So if you know me at all, when someone tells me to quiet down...I do exactly the opposite. So I allegedly got louder and then noticed the man across the seat looking at us. In order to ease the tension of this volatile situation, I alllegedly told this gentleman that everything is okay, Bob is just on his period. Then I passed out.

Who is the fun one to fly with? It's me! It's me!

So in conclusion, yes, I can be dramatic. I can also be shy and very quiet. But I really enjoy letting the dramatic part out sometimes, and it's actually much easier in print than in person. LOOK! I'M WRITING IN ALL CAPS AND USING EXCLAMATION MARKS! Okay, sorry, that's really annoying. If you write in all caps.......stop it. STOP IT NOW!

I lost my train of thought. Oh yeah, I can be dramatic. I wanted to be an actress when I was a kid but my mom told me that all actresses were whores. It turns out she's right, but then again I know a lot of whores who aren't doing what they love and getting paid boat loads of money for it, so pros and cons I guess.

For now, I'll just stick to dramatic blogging and wait to see what the future will bring.

*And scene*

Tough Mudder

Tomorrow might just be the day I die.

I'm not flying anywhere (I wish), but I might die a voluntarily/ I paid-for-it torturous death. Tomorrow, at Devil's Head Resort, Wisconsin, I will be participating in the Wisconsin Tough Mudder.

What is Tough Mudder? It was a stupid malicious idea spurred from the mind of some British special forces. It's around a 10 mile (but they don't tell you the exact length) obstacle course. With the word "mud" in the title, I pictured a fun mud run where you have to crawl through a few mud pits, climb over a couple of logs and call yourself hard core. Nope, these f*ckers are serious. This involves really steep climbs, crawling through small pipes and sand, running through fire and even electricity!

10 miles, 28 military obstacles. Twenty-freakin' eight. Really? Why stop there? Make it an even 30. Maybe the last two are when my lungs both burst.

If you live in the Midwest, you may have noticed this thing they call a "heatwave" that has been bringing me, and my non-air conditioned apartment to enjoy what I like to call "the worst f*cking week of my life." When people say, it's not the heat, it's the humidity, they're right. The humidity is much worse, however, in this case it's the heat and the damn humidity!

Now you want me to run an impossible death run tomorrow? No thanks. They were nice enough to send us an email this past week letting us know that there is a heat advisory so we should "be well hydrated". Guess what TM-there's only so many liquids I can drink that are going to help me get over a series of 12 foot high Berlin walls. A series? Overrated-I want a "sery", or none at all for that matter. I'm 5'4, how am I going to physically get myself over a 12 foot wall?
 

My training didn't go quite as planned. I haven't lost 30 pounds, gained 10 pounds of upper body muscle, nor earned the right to complete the Tough Mudder without a baggy t-shirt on. Instead, my plan was to hide the "extra love" in a sweatshirt and snowpants. While I do think this will confuse people as to my actual weight, I am slightly concerned with the effect on my performance. Although the effect will probably be minimal because there's no getting around the fact that no matter what I'm wearing, the result will be: "Oh my god, this is so horrible, I want to die..." On a more positive note, I have decided to do this while wearing my Team Challenge singlet! Since I've pretty much lived in that thing lately, I figured I may as well go out the same way.

Which brings me back to my original point, I might die. I have already started to think out and picture the numerous ways I could kick-the-bucket while doing this race. 1.) Heat exhaustion, 2.) falling off a freakin' 12 foot Berlin wall, 3.) drowning, 4.) Getting SHOCKED by 10,000 volts!! Oh yeah, that's going to happen.

Below is the course map of the run. I get tired just looking at the pictures. Okay, I couldn't download the most up-to-date obstacles, but a lot of these, including the route, are the same.

Listed in no particular order, here are the obstacles I am most afraid of and/or preparing to epically fail at:

1.) Death March-okay, I'm not really scared of this. I'm sure it will suck and I will be tired, but I damn well better make it up that ski mountain. I just had to include it because it's called Death March! Oh the college memories...

2.) Greased up monkey bars. I can't even do these when they're not all buttered up so I'll be for sure wiping it on this one.

3.) Crawling under 8 inches of barbed wire. My womanly curves ain't fitting in 8 inches, so we'll see what happens there. Can't wait...

4.) The 2 different series of Berlin Walls.

5.) Ball Shrinker. What the hell is that thing anyway? I think it made my balls shrink right off just thinking about it.

6.) The half pike. I can just picture me gaining momentum, sprinting towards the top of the half pike, only to slip or be too weak and fall rolling back in front of all the people watching.

7.) 10,000 volts. Now that can't be good for my uterus.

8.) The "mystery obstacle"-at what looks like around mile 8 or 9. "Expect Something Truly Bad Ass"-TM says. My only guess is that at this point they stab you in the stomach and you try to make it to the finish line before you bleed out.

Here's to life, and getting muddy!

Tough Mudder's version of Walk the Plank

My version of what walking the plank is (drawn to my scale).

 Update: I have now received another email and text message from TM. The good news is they once again stressed that I should hydrate as it will be very hot. Well, I was going to ignore the first email but now that you sent it again, I think I'll have a glass of water. Shoot, that glass of water didn't help me develop 5 months worth of upper-body strength training.

The other point of topic is that there is a "high chance of lighting". Awesome. I wanted to bring my plastic sword from when we were pirates in the Ragnar Relay to fight off the lighting, but people are telling me that's a bad idea.
So instead I will add it to the list: 9.) Get hit by lighting.

Bring it Tough Mudder.