I’m writing this: 1) Because I’ve had too much caffeine this morning [Update-several weeks ago], and 2) because I abnormally know a lot about what is going on in pop-culture. For example, did you know the Oscar nominations came out? I’m sure you did. I, however, never know this stuff so the fact that I do know it means for sure I should write my unknowledgeable opinions about it since I have seen approximately none of the Oscar nominated films. Who better to write an in-depth critique on the nominations??? You guessed it! Me!!! [Update: I still haven't seen any of the Oscar nominated films, so this post retains its integrity]
It’s really a minor detail that I haven’t seen the films as I can tell based on the preview, the actors, and what others have said.
Okay let’s start with the worst offender, The Social Network. Oh man, why are they giving this movie awards? It should be banned from everything because: #1-Jesse Eisencrap is horrible. Hi, my name is Jesse Eisen-crap and I just mumble a lot and have bad hair-give me an Oscar! I saw him in Zombieland (or at least I think I did-I certainly couldn’t hear him because he was mumbling worse than I do) and in some camp movie…or not a camp, it’s like a carnival, Adventureland maybe? Yeah, it was that memorable.
I flat-out refuse to see any movie that he is the lead in. Period. And Oscars you are encouraging this man to act more? Why????
#2 why this movie sucked, it’s about Facebook and Facebook sucks so A + B….
Facebook (and yes, I am on it technically) is a breeding ground for married individuals to commit adultery, encourages stalkers, and somehow went from a college networking tool to where everyone and their mom (and yes their mom is on it) can spy on each other. If I wanted you to know everything about me, I would tell you. But I don’t.
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| Yes, the facebook can be treacherous grounds for those with a lack of a moral compass. |
Oh please, re-connect with all your exes…yeah, awesome.
Where was I? Yes, Oscars.
I think I heard a rumor that the Tourist was nominated, or at least it was for the Golden Globes (which I think already happened???-not sure who won). I’m going to ignore this because I have decided this is a joke.
I did see that Twilight was nominated for a Razzie. Awesome… don’t even get me started on that. Okay, well now you did. Hi, I’m a vampire-I just met you-we are supposed to be like 12 years old, we’re instantly in love and I would do anything for you. Also, you’re a really bad actress and mumble and make the same weird face that looks like you have to go to the bathroom the entire movie. OH MY GOD!! LET’S FREAK OUT ABOUT THIS MOVIE!
Okay so it's one thing if you're a teenage girl. Fine, you like the romance, you don't understand character depth, and the books are written at a level that even 2nd graders can read. "I am a girl. I want to be a vampire. I love you. Bite me now." You know what would be worse, grown adults who are married (or even divorced) and have their own kids and who re-connect with their high-school girlfriend/boyfriend and pretend that they are like the people in Twilight. No one would do that….would they?
Here is how the script for Twilight reads, for those of you who haven't seen it:
Vampire: makes mysterious brooding face-stands there staring
Kristin Stewart (KS): mumbles (debates whether she has to go the bathroom)
Vampire: Oh my god…you smell really bad-I want to eat you, no wait, I love you unconditionally forever. Brooding stare-applies extra white makeup
KS: like…what is going on? mumbles.
Vampire: We can’t be together, you’re only 13 and I look like a 28 year old freshman in high school
KS: No-I want to be a vampire. Because I feel lonely and all the decisions I make when I am 13 seem like really good ideas and I have not yet developed the part of my brain that things of like consequences or understands the meaning of words like “long-term”
Vampire: Look-I added glitter to my makeup…but whatever, mumbles…. I don’t care because I’m super cool and mysterious
KS: Okay, well I've narrowed it down between you and this werewolf who doesn't wear a shirt. I already know it's going to be you because I just have this glitter thing, but I'm going to drag it on for like 6 movies to make some money...trails off, maybe goes potty??
And Scene.
Well, I’m pretty much out of material for the Oscars since, like I said, I haven’t seen any of the movies. I do want to see The Fighter and True Grit. The Fighter was directed by David O. Russell and he’s pretty much super freakin’ awesome, but I can already tell I won’t like the supporting actress played by Amy Adams. Was she nominated? Ugh, that would figure. This is my impression of a female in any of these types of roles “I have no life of my own, my entire job is to support you and you’re probably going to treat me like crap at some point but I will selflessly give up everything in my life for your dream. Also, I talk in a really annoying and in a bad accent.” Give me an award for being a one-dimension female character whose entire purpose in life is to support a man! Awesome!!!
I have also been told that the girl in True Grit is like a mini-version of me, so I kind of want to see that. My parents said I had an “attitude problem” from basically the age I could talk until I moved out at 18. Why couldn’t I have taken that attitude (some would call it sass) and become a rich Oscar nominated child actor? Oh yeah, probably because I grew up in central Wisconsin and have no talent. Damn you destiny!!
What other movies… oh yeah, the King’s Speech. I love Colin Firth so I have no qualms about him being nominated. He’s a great actor and I’ve never really gotten over my crush from his Darcy role in Pride and Prejudice (yes, it started with the BBC version). And, at least his speech problem is written into script unlike Jesse Eisen-Mumbles.
Inception-I really liked and thought should have gotten more awards-direction, writing, “cool”-is that an award? It should be. Maybe it was too long ago though.
I don’t understand how a film can be so cocky that it thinks it is Oscar-worthy so it decides to come out right before Oscar season. It seems like the Oscars fall for this everytime (well-they said they’re Oscar worthy in the preview and that they should get an Oscar….guess we should!). Half of them are crap and just because a movie came out earlier, it may still be a lot better. If I could think of a good film, I would put it here…but I can’t. So I guess that says something in it of itself. Although I heard there were 10 movies in Best Film nominee-are they not limited anymore? Well crap, why don’t you just list every movie that came out this year. That would at least be all-inclusive.
I know Toy Story 3 is going to win for best animated, although this wasn’t my favorite animated movie and I love animated movies. Maybe because I was in a bad place when I watched this, or maybe all the emphasis on Ken & Barbie left a bad taste in my mouth. Either way, I’m not as excited as I normally am about animated movies. I would love it if an animated movie won the Best Picture award someday. In your face actors, we can draw what you do better than you do it yourself. I wonder when Pixar is going to come knocking on my door asking me to do some drawings for them…. probably any day now.
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| Plenty more where this comes from Pixar! |
I heard that the movies are about acting and talent, but that was all sunk when they gave all those awards to Titanic.
Yes, that was a fun. See ya next year Oscars.
Update: All I can say, is thank you Funny or Die. I knew I wasn't the only one whose appreciation for Jessen Eisen-crap's "acting" ability. Here is audition of Jesse Eisenberg auditioning for 127 hours. Audition
